Indian Relationships and The Shadow Self—Why You Attract What You Fear
Riya Kumari | Mar 08, 2025, 23:58 IST
So, here’s the thing about Indian relationships—you don’t just date a person; you date their mom, their dad, their astrologer, their nosy bua, and possibly even their childhood cricket coach. But have you ever noticed how, no matter how hard you try, you keep attracting the exact kind of person you swore you’d never fall for? That one type that you’ve ranted about in furious group chats and tearful post-breakup rants? Yeah. Welcome to the Shadow Self Effect.
Have you ever wondered why, no matter how much you swear you’ll never end up with someone like your ex, you somehow find yourself staring at a new version of the same problem? Different name, different face, same emotional bruises. It’s like the universe is playing a joke on you—except it isn’t. There’s a reason you keep attracting what you fear. And it has nothing to do with fate conspiring against you. It has everything to do with you.
1. The Shadow You Don’t See (But It Sees You)
Carl Jung, the Swiss psychologist who understood the human mind better than we understand our own relationships, introduced the concept of the shadow self. It’s the part of us we reject—the fears, wounds, and insecurities we push aside because they make us uncomfortable. But here’s the catch: what you suppress doesn’t disappear. It waits. And then it shows up in the people you attract.
If you have a fear of abandonment, you’ll keep meeting people who leave. If you have unresolved control issues, you’ll find yourself entangled with someone you can’t tame. The universe isn’t punishing you; it’s reflecting you. It’s saying, This is what you need to heal. Are you ready yet?
2. Why You Date Your Past (Even If You Don’t Want To)
In India, relationships don’t just involve two people; they carry generations of conditioning. Whether we admit it or not, we absorb the love patterns we grew up with. If love in your home felt like emotional distance, chaos, or silent suffering, part of you believes that’s normal. And what’s normal feels safe, even when it hurts.
This is why people with distant parents often fall for emotionally unavailable partners. Why those who grew up with instability sometimes mistake intensity for love. We keep walking in circles, not because we enjoy suffering, but because we don’t know any other way.
3. You Don’t Attract What You Want, You Attract What You Are
We like to think we choose our partners. In reality, our unresolved self chooses for us. If you keep finding yourself in toxic relationships, the real question isn’t Why do I attract toxic people?—it’s Why do I still resonate with them? Love is a mirror. It shows you who you are, not who you pretend to be. And here’s the uncomfortable truth: if you want different, you have to become different.
4. Breaking the Pattern: The Work You Can’t Avoid
No matter how much you change your type, your standards, or even your city, the same lessons will follow you until you face them. The only way to stop attracting the same pain is to do the inner work that pain is pointing toward.
1. Recognize the pattern – Instead of blaming luck or other people, look at what keeps repeating. The pattern isn’t the problem; it’s the message.
2. Sit with your fears – What are you avoiding in yourself? Until you face it, you will keep attracting it externally.
3. Redefine love – If love has always meant struggle, prove to yourself that it doesn’t have to. Learn what healthy connection feels like—because if chaos feels familiar, peace will feel boring until you heal.
The Love You Want Begins With You
People come into our lives to show us our own reflection. If you don’t like what you see, the solution isn’t to change the mirror—it’s to change yourself. When you stop running from your own shadow, you stop chasing relationships that embody it. And that’s when, for the first time, you attract love that doesn’t feel like a lesson—but a choice.
1. The Shadow You Don’t See (But It Sees You)
If you have a fear of abandonment, you’ll keep meeting people who leave. If you have unresolved control issues, you’ll find yourself entangled with someone you can’t tame. The universe isn’t punishing you; it’s reflecting you. It’s saying, This is what you need to heal. Are you ready yet?
2. Why You Date Your Past (Even If You Don’t Want To)
This is why people with distant parents often fall for emotionally unavailable partners. Why those who grew up with instability sometimes mistake intensity for love. We keep walking in circles, not because we enjoy suffering, but because we don’t know any other way.
3. You Don’t Attract What You Want, You Attract What You Are
4. Breaking the Pattern: The Work You Can’t Avoid
1. Recognize the pattern – Instead of blaming luck or other people, look at what keeps repeating. The pattern isn’t the problem; it’s the message.
2. Sit with your fears – What are you avoiding in yourself? Until you face it, you will keep attracting it externally.
3. Redefine love – If love has always meant struggle, prove to yourself that it doesn’t have to. Learn what healthy connection feels like—because if chaos feels familiar, peace will feel boring until you heal.