"You Can Piss in Public, But Can’t Kiss": Shashi Tharoor on India’s Social Paradoxes
Nidhi | Jan 16, 2025, 23:53 IST
India, a nation of contrasts, is often defined by its profound paradoxes. From the moral policing of women to the selective acceptance of public behavior, these contradictions highlight the complexities of a society navigating between tradition and modernity. Inspired by Shashi Tharoor’s thought-provoking dialogue, this article explores India’s societal double standards, such as "You can piss in public, but can’t kiss," and delves into the biases that restrict women while upholding outdated norms. By examining the roots of these paradoxes, including influences from the Vedic period, the article calls for a shift toward progress, equality, and consistency in moral values.
India, a land steeped in centuries of culture, philosophy, and tradition, is known for its paradoxes. These contradictions exist not only in the way the country celebrates its diverse heritage but also in how it grapples with the complexities of modernity. In a profound conversation titled “The Paradoxes of India” at the Jaipur Literature Festival, Shashi Tharoor, in his insightful dialogue with author Seema Sirohi, highlighted these very contradictions. One of the most striking statements he made was: “You can piss in public, but you can’t kiss in public.” This stark contrast in societal acceptance encapsulates India’s double standards, particularly regarding morality and the treatment of women.
In Indian society, there is a deeply ingrained moral code that determines what is acceptable in the public and private spheres. Shashi Tharoor’s comment about the flagrant acceptability of public urination versus the condemnation of public displays of affection, such as kissing, exposes the deep-rooted hypocrisy in societal norms. In urban areas, it is not uncommon to see people urinate on streets, yet an innocent kiss in public often invites backlash, judgement, and even legal scrutiny.
This paradox reflects a moral framework that prioritizes the preservation of an outwardly respectable image while allowing for behaviors that are both unhealthy and disrespectful. The discrepancy exposes a cultural discomfort with personal freedoms, especially those related to love, affection, and physical expression, which often challenge patriarchal norms.
Another striking paradox discussed by Tharoor is the societal attitude towards strangers. In India, there is a persistent fear of interacting with strangers, particularly for women. Safety concerns are paramount, and the idea of talking to a stranger, especially in public spaces, is often considered inappropriate or dangerous. Yet, in stark contrast, arranged marriages—where individuals marry someone they often barely know—are celebrated as the norm.
This paradox is a result of a deeply entrenched belief in familial control over personal choices, particularly regarding marriage. While the society discourages personal agency and interaction with strangers, it paradoxically supports the idea of entering into a lifelong commitment with a person selected by family members. The lack of personal connection and agency in the context of marriage stands in contrast to the prohibitions on connecting with strangers, making this another glaring contradiction in the fabric of Indian society.
India is a land where goddesses are revered with the utmost devotion. From Durga, Saraswati, and Lakshmi, to the many other feminine deities, the divine feminine is worshipped, celebrated, and adored. And yet, despite this profound reverence for female energy and strength, women in India face some of the most pervasive and systemic forms of discrimination.
The paradox of gender worship and gender inequality is a reflection of India’s long-standing cultural contradictions. Women are revered in mythology and religious texts, but in day-to-day life, they continue to face substantial inequalities. Gender-based violence, limited access to education, restrictive roles in families, and unequal pay for equal work are just a few of the many challenges that women face in India.
This paradox exposes the inherent hypocrisy in a society that celebrates powerful female deities while simultaneously holding women back in real-world opportunities, often due to outdated cultural practices and deep-rooted patriarchal structures.
India’s history stretches back to the Vedic period, where societal norms were shaped by scriptures, epics, and philosophies that still influence modern thinking. The Vedic texts, while progressive in many respects, also contained societal structures that placed restrictions on women. The Manusmriti, for instance, has been widely criticized for its regressive view on women’s roles and rights, dictating their place as subservient to men.
Fast forward to modern India, and the same country that once celebrated the spiritual philosophies of the Upanishads, the freedom of thought, and the complex, open-minded narratives of the Bhagavad Gita now finds itself caught in a tug-of-war between tradition and progress. The paradox arises from the fact that while India strives for global modernization, economic growth, and technological advancements, it still holds onto many age-old beliefs that limit women's participation in public and private spheres.
Women are expected to embody traditional roles—caregivers, wives, mothers—while at the same time being excluded from leadership positions, political spheres, and economic opportunities. The demand for women to embody contradictory roles—respectable yet submissive, independent yet constrained—reflects a duality deeply embedded in Indian society.
One of the most pronounced examples of India’s paradoxical morality involves the treatment of women in public spaces. The moral policing of women’s clothing and behavior reveals the double standards that exist in Indian society. Women are often told to dress modestly, to not speak too loudly, to avoid making eye contact, and to follow conservative norms of behavior. Yet, men are seldom subject to the same level of scrutiny.
A woman’s appearance and actions are seen as a reflection of her family’s honor and reputation, making her the bearer of societal morality. At the same time, men often enjoy the freedom to express themselves without facing the same moral restrictions. This paradox is starkly evident in how public spaces are gendered, with women constantly being monitored and judged based on their appearance and actions, while men continue to be given a free pass.
The normalization of sexual harassment, street harassment, and victim-blaming only serves to deepen this paradox. Women are often told that they are "asking for it" if they dress a certain way or behave in a certain manner, yet it is the systemic structures that allow such behavior to persist.
The deep-rooted contradictions of Indian society cannot be ignored if progress is to be made. To reform the mindset and truly embrace an idealistic vision of India, it is essential to dismantle these paradoxes.
The paradoxes that define Indian society today are not simply remnants of its history, but challenges we must confront head-on. As Shashi Tharoor eloquently points out, these contradictions are part of what it means to be Indian. But it is only by acknowledging them and striving for reform that India can move toward a future where values align with actions—where love, respect, and equality become the guiding principles of society. It’s time to rewrite the narrative and break free from the paradoxes that limit us all.
The Paradoxes of Public Morality
Thapad Movie
This paradox reflects a moral framework that prioritizes the preservation of an outwardly respectable image while allowing for behaviors that are both unhealthy and disrespectful. The discrepancy exposes a cultural discomfort with personal freedoms, especially those related to love, affection, and physical expression, which often challenge patriarchal norms.
Stranger Danger vs. Arranged Marriages: The Irony of Trust
Thapad Dialogue
This paradox is a result of a deeply entrenched belief in familial control over personal choices, particularly regarding marriage. While the society discourages personal agency and interaction with strangers, it paradoxically supports the idea of entering into a lifelong commitment with a person selected by family members. The lack of personal connection and agency in the context of marriage stands in contrast to the prohibitions on connecting with strangers, making this another glaring contradiction in the fabric of Indian society.
Gender Worship vs. Gender Inequality: The Worship of Goddesses and the Reality of Gender Norms
The paradox of gender worship and gender inequality is a reflection of India’s long-standing cultural contradictions. Women are revered in mythology and religious texts, but in day-to-day life, they continue to face substantial inequalities. Gender-based violence, limited access to education, restrictive roles in families, and unequal pay for equal work are just a few of the many challenges that women face in India.
This paradox exposes the inherent hypocrisy in a society that celebrates powerful female deities while simultaneously holding women back in real-world opportunities, often due to outdated cultural practices and deep-rooted patriarchal structures.
The Paradox of Tradition vs. Modernity
Tapsee Pannu in Thapad
Fast forward to modern India, and the same country that once celebrated the spiritual philosophies of the Upanishads, the freedom of thought, and the complex, open-minded narratives of the Bhagavad Gita now finds itself caught in a tug-of-war between tradition and progress. The paradox arises from the fact that while India strives for global modernization, economic growth, and technological advancements, it still holds onto many age-old beliefs that limit women's participation in public and private spheres.
Women are expected to embody traditional roles—caregivers, wives, mothers—while at the same time being excluded from leadership positions, political spheres, and economic opportunities. The demand for women to embody contradictory roles—respectable yet submissive, independent yet constrained—reflects a duality deeply embedded in Indian society.
Women and Moral Policing: Paradoxes of Clothing and Behavior
A woman’s appearance and actions are seen as a reflection of her family’s honor and reputation, making her the bearer of societal morality. At the same time, men often enjoy the freedom to express themselves without facing the same moral restrictions. This paradox is starkly evident in how public spaces are gendered, with women constantly being monitored and judged based on their appearance and actions, while men continue to be given a free pass.
The normalization of sexual harassment, street harassment, and victim-blaming only serves to deepen this paradox. Women are often told that they are "asking for it" if they dress a certain way or behave in a certain manner, yet it is the systemic structures that allow such behavior to persist.
The Need for a Paradigm Shift: From Paradoxes to Progress
Dil Dhadkane Do
- Rethinking Morality: We need to evolve from a system of selective morality to one that upholds consistent values—respect, equality, and freedom for all. Encouraging open dialogue about what is acceptable in public spaces, while respecting personal choices, is crucial.
- Empowering Women: Women should be celebrated not only in mythological stories but also in everyday life. Their voices, opinions, and rights must be recognized and respected in every sphere—be it at home, in the workplace, or in the political arena.
- Challenging Traditional Norms: Modernity cannot coexist with outdated traditions that suppress individual rights. We must challenge rigid norms and customs that limit personal freedoms and encourage a more inclusive, progressive society.
- Building a More Inclusive Society: True progress will only be achieved when both men and women are free from societal restrictions that confine them. Breaking stereotypes, encouraging equal participation, and promoting education are key to a more just society.