5 Brutal Signs a Guy Is Using You (Smart Women Know This & Still Stay)
Riya Kumari | Jan 02, 2026, 16:20 IST
Chanakya
Image credit : AI
We all want love that feels effortless, honest, and alive. But sometimes, what masquerades as love is something far more insidious: a relationship where you are being used. It’s subtle at first - sweet words, apologies, attention sprinkled like confetti, but soon, you notice the imbalance, the excuses, the manipulation.
Most women don’t get used because they’re naïve. They get used because they’re hopeful, emotionally intelligent, and biologically wired to bond. You don’t miss the red flags because you’re stupid. You miss them because your brain is busy editing reality to keep the fantasy alive. And the fantasy isn’t even grand. It’s usually just: “He said he cares.” So let’s dismantle this properly, with psychology, biology, logic, and ancient wisdom.
He Uses Words to Build Castles, While His Actions Live in a Slum
![Text]()
A task done by an unintelligent person should not be highly rated.
If you are fantasizing more than you are experiencing, pause. Sweet words, future talk, emotional intimacy early on, this is not romance. This is dopamine hijacking. From a biology standpoint: Your brain releases dopamine when anticipating a reward, not when receiving it. So when he talks about commitment, effort, or a future, your brain lights up as if it already happened. Congratulations, your nervous system has been scammed. Meanwhile, his actions are saying:
No consistency
No follow-through
No sacrifice
No clarity
But you override that because: “He said he’s serious.”
Yes. And politicians say a lot of things too. Women often want it to work so badly that they stop observing what he is choosing daily and start defending what he promised verbally. Reality doesn’t need interpretation. It needs observation. If words and actions don’t match, actions are the truth and words are the distraction.
He Apologizes Excessively Because He’s Not High-Value, Just High on Damage Control
The wise man sees danger in what others think safe.
A man who constantly apologizes but never changes is not emotionally mature. He’s strategically diffusing consequences. Psychologically, this is called impression management - appearing self-aware to avoid accountability. It sounds like:
“I know I messed up”
“I hate that I hurt you”
“I’m really trying”
But nothing… actually changes. High-value people don’t need repeated apologies. They correct behavior once, because integrity hurts them more than guilt. Low-value men weaponize apologies because:
He Makes You Feel Guilty for His Behavior (Gaslighting 101)
![Sad]()
Learn to remain calm; anger weakens judgment.
This is where it gets dangerous. You raise a valid concern. Calmly. Logically. Kindly. And somehow the conversation ends with you apologizing. Classic signs:
“You’re overthinking”
“Why do you always create drama?”
“You’re too sensitive”
“I didn’t mean it like that”
This isn’t misunderstanding. This is conditioning. Psychologically, he is training you to associate self-expression with emotional punishment. Over time, your brain learns:
“If I confront, I lose him.”
So you start editing yourself: You speak less, You soften truths and You choose silence over clarity. That’s not love. That’s behavioral suppression. If every conflict ends with you doubting your reality, while his behavior stays intact, you’re not in a relationship. You’re in a mind maze.
You Give, Give, Give and Receive Nothing Except Anxiety
Before starting work, ask yourself: Why am I doing it? What might be the results? Will I be successful?
This one is brutally simple.
You:
Exists
Replies occasionally
Offers “potential”
And you mistake his presence for effort. From a nervous system perspective, this creates an anxious-avoidant loop. You over-give hoping to earn stability. He under-gives because he’s already getting benefits. And the worst part? You start feeling grateful for basic decency. If the relationship feels like charity work with occasional breadcrumbs of affection, it’s not partnership. It’s emotional labor without compensation.
Chronic Indecision That Turns You Into a Quiet, Paranoid Version of Yourself
![Confused]()
Be loyal to good people and avoid harmful ones.
This is the most overlooked sign. He’s unsure. Confused. “Taking his time.” But somehow, you’re the one walking on eggshells. You:
That’s not intuition failing you. That’s intuition screaming, while attachment begs you to ignore it. When obvious behavior stops feeling obvious, your brain enters hypervigilance. You become “paranoid” not because you’re insecure, but because reality is unstable. If you feel like you’re constantly managing his mood, timing your honesty, and shrinking your needs to keep him, he’s not undecided. He’s decided to use your uncertainty as leverage.
The Hard Truth That Wakes You Up
A man who is using you doesn’t look evil. He looks comfortable. Comfortable with:
Your patience
Your silence
Your over-understanding
Your self-doubt
And the moment you stop explaining, stop proving, stop shrinking, he either rises or disappears. Both outcomes are wins. Because the goal was never to make it work at the cost of yourself. The goal was to stay awake while loving, not anesthetized by hope. If this article unsettled you, good. Discomfort is often clarity knocking without asking permission.
He Uses Words to Build Castles, While His Actions Live in a Slum
Text
Image credit : Pexels
A task done by an unintelligent person should not be highly rated.
If you are fantasizing more than you are experiencing, pause. Sweet words, future talk, emotional intimacy early on, this is not romance. This is dopamine hijacking. From a biology standpoint: Your brain releases dopamine when anticipating a reward, not when receiving it. So when he talks about commitment, effort, or a future, your brain lights up as if it already happened. Congratulations, your nervous system has been scammed. Meanwhile, his actions are saying:
No consistency
No follow-through
No sacrifice
No clarity
But you override that because: “He said he’s serious.”
Yes. And politicians say a lot of things too. Women often want it to work so badly that they stop observing what he is choosing daily and start defending what he promised verbally. Reality doesn’t need interpretation. It needs observation. If words and actions don’t match, actions are the truth and words are the distraction.
He Apologizes Excessively Because He’s Not High-Value, Just High on Damage Control
The wise man sees danger in what others think safe.
A man who constantly apologizes but never changes is not emotionally mature. He’s strategically diffusing consequences. Psychologically, this is called impression management - appearing self-aware to avoid accountability. It sounds like:
“I know I messed up”
“I hate that I hurt you”
“I’m really trying”
But nothing… actually changes. High-value people don’t need repeated apologies. They correct behavior once, because integrity hurts them more than guilt. Low-value men weaponize apologies because:
- They want access without responsibility
- They want forgiveness without repair
- They want to sound evolved without being evolved
He Makes You Feel Guilty for His Behavior (Gaslighting 101)
Sad
Image credit : Pixabay
Learn to remain calm; anger weakens judgment.
This is where it gets dangerous. You raise a valid concern. Calmly. Logically. Kindly. And somehow the conversation ends with you apologizing. Classic signs:
“You’re overthinking”
“Why do you always create drama?”
“You’re too sensitive”
“I didn’t mean it like that”
This isn’t misunderstanding. This is conditioning. Psychologically, he is training you to associate self-expression with emotional punishment. Over time, your brain learns:
“If I confront, I lose him.”
So you start editing yourself: You speak less, You soften truths and You choose silence over clarity. That’s not love. That’s behavioral suppression. If every conflict ends with you doubting your reality, while his behavior stays intact, you’re not in a relationship. You’re in a mind maze.
You Give, Give, Give and Receive Nothing Except Anxiety
Before starting work, ask yourself: Why am I doing it? What might be the results? Will I be successful?
This one is brutally simple.
You:
- Show up emotionally
- Support his dreams
- Offer patience, understanding, access, time
Exists
Replies occasionally
Offers “potential”
And you mistake his presence for effort. From a nervous system perspective, this creates an anxious-avoidant loop. You over-give hoping to earn stability. He under-gives because he’s already getting benefits. And the worst part? You start feeling grateful for basic decency. If the relationship feels like charity work with occasional breadcrumbs of affection, it’s not partnership. It’s emotional labor without compensation.
Chronic Indecision That Turns You Into a Quiet, Paranoid Version of Yourself
Confused
Image credit : Pexels
Be loyal to good people and avoid harmful ones.
This is the most overlooked sign. He’s unsure. Confused. “Taking his time.” But somehow, you’re the one walking on eggshells. You:
- Say things carefully
- Avoid certain topics
- Hold back emotions
- Don’t want to “push him away”
That’s not intuition failing you. That’s intuition screaming, while attachment begs you to ignore it. When obvious behavior stops feeling obvious, your brain enters hypervigilance. You become “paranoid” not because you’re insecure, but because reality is unstable. If you feel like you’re constantly managing his mood, timing your honesty, and shrinking your needs to keep him, he’s not undecided. He’s decided to use your uncertainty as leverage.
The Hard Truth That Wakes You Up
A man who is using you doesn’t look evil. He looks comfortable. Comfortable with:
Your patience
Your silence
Your over-understanding
Your self-doubt
And the moment you stop explaining, stop proving, stop shrinking, he either rises or disappears. Both outcomes are wins. Because the goal was never to make it work at the cost of yourself. The goal was to stay awake while loving, not anesthetized by hope. If this article unsettled you, good. Discomfort is often clarity knocking without asking permission.