Chanakya Niti: Why We Chase Emotionally Unavailable People (And How to Stop)

There’s a peculiar irony to human nature: we are drawn to what we cannot have, like moths to a flame that has already burned us before. We say we want love, yet we chase those who keep it just out of reach. We crave certainty, yet we fall for those who give us nothing but questions. This isn’t coincidence. This is a pattern—a deeply ingrained one. And it’s been happening for centuries. Chanakya, the ancient Indian strategist, was not a relationship coach, but his wisdom stretched beyond politics and war. He understood human nature in its rawest form: our desires, our delusions, and the quiet ways in which we become architects of our own suffering. If he were alive today, he would not be surprised at how often we mistake emotional unavailability for love.

Have you ever tried holding water in your hands? No matter how tightly you grip, it slips through your fingers. That’s what it feels like to chase someone who isn’t emotionally available. They are there, but never fully. Close, but unreachable. Every moment of connection is followed by silence. Every promise is laced with uncertainty. And yet, we chase. Not because we don’t see the reality, but because we think we can change it.
So why do we run toward people who are running away?

Chanakya once said, "The greatest fools are those who seek honey from a thorn." And yet, isn’t that what we do? We mistake inconsistency for excitement. We call mixed signals "chemistry." The moments of warmth feel sweeter because they are rare, like drops of water in a desert. But real love isn’t meant to be a drought. It is not something you win after a battle—it is something that flows naturally, like a river. The problem isn’t that they are distant. The problem is that we see distance as a challenge rather than a warning.

Somewhere deep down, we all think we’re special. That maybe, just maybe, we will be the exception. We will be the ones who finally make them feel. Who finally make them stay. But Chanakya would call this a fantasy. He taught that people do not change unless they choose to. No amount of love, patience, or sacrifice can turn an unwilling heart into a devoted one. A person who is not ready for love will only take what you offer and leave you empty-handed. Ask yourself: Are you truly special to them, or are you just the latest person trying to unlock a door that was never meant to open?

Not everyone is chasing love. Some are chasing approval. If you grew up believing love must be earned, emotional unavailability feels familiar. It makes sense. It matches the idea that affection is a prize for effort, rather than something freely given. Chanakya believed that self-worth should never be tied to external validation. Love is not a transaction. You do not have to prove your worth to be loved fully. And yet, so many of us fall for those who make us feel unworthy—because deep down, we already believe it.

Chanakya warned that instability is the enemy of wisdom. And yet, how many of us confuse chaos with passion? How many of us mistake unpredictability for intensity? A person who loves you should not feel like a puzzle you need to solve. If their feelings shift like the wind, if their presence is uncertain, if their words and actions don’t align—ask yourself: Are you in love with them, or are you addicted to uncertainty?

Would you still feel this drawn to them if they were consistent? If they were reliable? If there were no unanswered texts, no games, no guessing? Or do they only seem interesting because they are just out of reach? Many people do not chase love. They chase the idea of love. The struggle. The longing. But longing is not love.

Chanakya taught that a person’s actions define them, not their words. If they keep you in a cycle of doubt, if their presence is unpredictable, if they only come close when they feel like it—believe that. Do not romanticize their inconsistency. If someone truly values you, they will not make you question it.

Many of us are so used to emotional highs and lows that peace feels unnatural. We think love should be a storm, when in reality, it should be a shelter. Chanakya believed that wisdom is knowing where to invest your energy. Love that drains you, that confuses you, that keeps you second-guessing—is not love. It is a trap of the mind. A wise person does not mistake struggle for romance.

There is a saying: Do not beg for a seat at a table where you were never invited. Chanakya would agree. A wise person does not knock on a closed door forever. They do not waste years waiting for someone to be ready, hoping for a change that will never come. So if someone is emotionally unavailable, let them be. You do not need to stay and prove your worth. You do not need to wait for them to see your value. You are already worthy. The right person will see it. And they won’t make you chase them to prove it.