I Went on 5 Dates in 5 Days - Here’s What Every Indian Man Did Wrong

Five days. Five dates. Five different Indian men. And enough life lessons to qualify me as a relationship counsellor and a stand-up comedian. I went in with low expectations and somehow still managed to be disappointed — which, if you think about it, is actually impressive. Each guy came with his own resume of red flags, but you know what tied them all together? A spectacular misunderstanding of what it means to actually be with a woman. Not “date” her. Not “own” her. Be with her. Take notes, boys. Or don’t. But if you're wondering why you're single despite your decent salary and decent gym body — this might be your answer.


You know what intimacy isn’t? That 7-second kiss before trying to unclasp a bra like it’s a Rubik’s Cube.
Real intimacy is safety. It’s vulnerability. It’s me telling you my weirdest 2 a.m. thoughts without fearing I’ll be judged or ghosted. It’s you asking how I really am — and sticking around for the answer.
But no, most Indian men I met think intimacy starts with skin and ends with sleep. When I said I wanted deep conversation, I didn’t mean a philosophical debate on Messi vs. Ronaldo. I meant “What scares you?” “What do you miss from childhood?” “What makes you feel seen?” Spoiler: silence. Lots of blinking. Some nervous laughter. Zero follow-ups. Congratulations, bro. You’ve officially confused horniness with connection.


There’s a glitch in the matrix — and it’s called the Indian Male Dating Algorithm.
Every woman gets sorted into one of two folders:

• Folder A: “Fun for now”
• Folder B: “Wife material”

The fun girl is wild, opinionated, owns her choices, maybe wears shorts and lipstick — scandalous.
The wife girl is sweet, obedient, and practically pre-installed with homely auntie energy. Bonus points if she offers to serve chai to his mom before even being asked.
And here’s the kicker: even when he picks the sanskaari one, he spends the rest of his life fantasizing about Folder A. Some men marry the girl their mother approves of, and emotionally date the girl who'd never step foot in that house. And that, ladies, is how you become a housewife and a heartbreak statistic.


Let me paint you a picture: We have a disagreement. I try to talk it out like an emotionally literate adult. He, meanwhile, looks like I just asked him to solve a quadratic equation. Indian men cannot do conflict. At best, they’ll offer one-word replies. At worst, they’ll vanish like a missed Amazon delivery.
He can laugh with his boys till 3 a.m. but suddenly turns narcoleptic the moment I want to talk about feelings. Funny how their energy levels directly correlate to how much the conversation benefits them. Also — gentle reminder, fellas: “Don’t wear this,” “Don’t talk to him,” “Don’t post that” is not communication. It’s control. Just say you want a doll you can dress, not a human you can love.


Here’s a universal Indian male mantra: “It’s not cheating if I didn’t touch her.” Sir, if you’re saving reels of women with puppy filters and pouty lips, sending them to your friends like you’re running a fantasy league, and then calling me the love of your life — you might be a walking contradiction.
You love me but follow 23 girls who look nothing like me. You say I’m “the one” but send reels of random women, You call it harmless because you’re not “doing” anything. Real love isn’t about loyalty by technicality. It’s about presence, intention, attention. Stop saying “I love you” if you’re going to treat it like the Wi-Fi password — hand it out to whoever asks. You’re disrespecting the person who chose you. And FYI, “boys will be boys” isn’t a personality trait. It’s an excuse. And it’s expired.


In week one, you plan dates. In week five, I’m begging you to go outside. By week ten, we’re basically flatmates with bad Wi-Fi and no vibe. You want the thrill without doing anything thrilling. You want loyalty but make love feel like a checklist. You want a woman who’s fun, deep, emotional, independent — and then punish her for being all of it. At this point, I’m not sure if I’m dating a man or applying for an unpaid internship in your life.
I’m not saying every Indian man is boring. I’m saying most of them forget how to not be. Once they think they’ve secured you (read: exclusive, emotionally invested, mildly attached), the whole vibe shifts. Suddenly, going out becomes “too much effort.” You become the plan. You’re expected to be available for Netflix, food delivery, and listening to their work rants — but suggest dinner at a new rooftop bar and they act like you asked for a trip to Mars. They romanticize the “comfort zone” like it’s a prize. Newsflash: being in love doesn’t mean giving up on living. A relationship isn’t supposed to feel like a retirement plan.

Dating in India often feels like you’re being tested for how much nonsense you’ll tolerate before you say, “No, thanks.”
But here’s the truth: Indian men aren’t emotionally unavailable. They’re emotionally underdeveloped. Somewhere between being taught to never cry and always dominate, they skipped the part about empathy, effort, and actually understanding women.
So, to the men who are reading this and feeling defensive — maybe ask yourself why. To the women reading this and nodding — you’re not imagining it. You’re just finally seeing it clearly. And to the five men I dated: thanks for the content. You may not have made the cut, but you definitely made the column. Now if you'll excuse me, I’m off to buy myself flowers, text my girls, and remind myself I’m the plot twist — not the pick-me.