If Love Before Marriage Is Shameful, Why Is the Same Love After Marriage Celebrated?
Nidhi | Jul 24, 2025, 10:01 IST
( Image credit : Freepik )
Highlight of the story: Why is love before marriage condemned while the same love after marriage is celebrated? This article dives into India’s cultural double standards, exploring how family honor, gender roles, and social control shape our attitudes toward love. From ancient traditions to modern hypocrisy, we uncover why your choice of love is less about emotion and more about permission.
Let’s be honest. We live in a country where holding hands before marriage can make you “characterless,” but holding the same hand after marriage makes you “sanskari.” The love itself hasn’t changed. The people haven’t changed. What has changed is that the relationship now has a stamp of approval — from parents, relatives, and society.
It’s strange, isn’t it? Before marriage, love is rebellion. After marriage, it’s culture. One day you’re accused of “ruining the family name.” A few rituals later, you’re praised for being a perfect couple. If that doesn’t make you question our collective logic, nothing will.
So why does this happen? Why is love before marriage condemned, while love after marriage is celebrated like some divine blessing?
In India, relationships are less about emotions and more about authority. When two people choose each other outside the arranged framework, it doesn’t just make families uncomfortable, it makes them irrelevant. And that’s the real issue.
That’s why before marriage, your love is branded an “affair.” After marriage? It magically transforms into a “beautiful journey.” Same love, different label; because now, the family owns it too.
A son’s relationships are often brushed off with a laugh. A daughter’s? They become a matter of family honor. The double standard is glaring. A woman’s emotions are rarely treated as her own, they’re treated like family property.
Your happiness becomes secondary to the family’s image. It’s not about protecting you. It’s about protecting their place in society.
Caste, status, horoscopes, and family connections all get a say. Your choice doesn’t. When you pick your own partner, you disrupt this system. Suddenly, there’s no safety net of social filters, and that makes families panic.
It’s not about whether men are good or bad. It’s about who gets to decide which man you end up with.
It’s no longer just two people in love. It’s two families merging, feeding the neighbors, exchanging gifts, and ticking all the right cultural boxes. Love becomes “respectable” the moment it wears sindoor and gold jewelry.
Let’s address the elephant in the room: this isn’t just about love. It’s about control: specifically over women.
A son with a girlfriend? He’s “exploring life.” A daughter with a boyfriend? She’s “ruining her future.” The same act, judged by two entirely different standards.
This has nothing to do with protecting women. If that were the case, arranged marriages would be free of abuse or failed relationships, but we know that’s not true. This is about ensuring that women don’t exercise too much autonomy.
So where did this policing come from? From centuries of caste-based social control and colonial Victorian morality. Love became “dirty” when it started to threaten hierarchies and family control.
Pre-marital love isn’t immoral. It’s just unapproved.
If love before marriage is scandal, but the same love after marriage is a virtue, then maybe the issue isn’t love at all. Maybe it’s control dressed up as culture. Maybe we don’t actually want to stop people from loving — we just want to make sure they do it in a way that keeps the system intact.
And that leaves us with a thought worth sitting with: If your love needs a wedding to be considered “pure,” was it ever about purity? Or was it about permission?
It’s strange, isn’t it? Before marriage, love is rebellion. After marriage, it’s culture. One day you’re accused of “ruining the family name.” A few rituals later, you’re praised for being a perfect couple. If that doesn’t make you question our collective logic, nothing will.
So why does this happen? Why is love before marriage condemned, while love after marriage is celebrated like some divine blessing?
1. Love Before Marriage Isn’t “Wrong,” It’s Just “Unauthorized”
Love Marriage
( Image credit : Freepik )
In India, relationships are less about emotions and more about authority. When two people choose each other outside the arranged framework, it doesn’t just make families uncomfortable, it makes them irrelevant. And that’s the real issue.
That’s why before marriage, your love is branded an “affair.” After marriage? It magically transforms into a “beautiful journey.” Same love, different label; because now, the family owns it too.
2. Honor Matters More Than Your Happiness
Honor
( Image credit : Freepik )
A son’s relationships are often brushed off with a laugh. A daughter’s? They become a matter of family honor. The double standard is glaring. A woman’s emotions are rarely treated as her own, they’re treated like family property.
Your happiness becomes secondary to the family’s image. It’s not about protecting you. It’s about protecting their place in society.
3. Strangers Are Safer Than Your Own Choices
Arrange marriage
( Image credit : Freepik )
Caste, status, horoscopes, and family connections all get a say. Your choice doesn’t. When you pick your own partner, you disrupt this system. Suddenly, there’s no safety net of social filters, and that makes families panic.
It’s not about whether men are good or bad. It’s about who gets to decide which man you end up with.
4. Marriage Magically Makes Love “Pure”
Love
( Image credit : Pexels )
It’s no longer just two people in love. It’s two families merging, feeding the neighbors, exchanging gifts, and ticking all the right cultural boxes. Love becomes “respectable” the moment it wears sindoor and gold jewelry.
5. Gender Double Standards Are the Root of It All
A son with a girlfriend? He’s “exploring life.” A daughter with a boyfriend? She’s “ruining her future.” The same act, judged by two entirely different standards.
This has nothing to do with protecting women. If that were the case, arranged marriages would be free of abuse or failed relationships, but we know that’s not true. This is about ensuring that women don’t exercise too much autonomy.
6. Love Was Never Truly Banned: Until It Challenged Authority
Family
( Image credit : Freepik )
So where did this policing come from? From centuries of caste-based social control and colonial Victorian morality. Love became “dirty” when it started to threaten hierarchies and family control.
7. It Was Never About Love at All
Unhealthy Relationship
( Image credit : Freepik )
Pre-marital love isn’t immoral. It’s just unapproved.
So, What’s the Real Question Here?
And that leaves us with a thought worth sitting with: If your love needs a wedding to be considered “pure,” was it ever about purity? Or was it about permission?