3 Proven Tips to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Many of us find it hard to say no and disappoint our friends or family members. In fact, some people go through so much anxiety, self loathing, confusion and resentment due to this people pleasing behaviour.

But why do only some of us feel this way? What is the reason behind this behaviour? How can we overcome this obstacle and lead an assertive, self-respecting and courageous life?

Don’t worry dear friend, thousands and lakhs have already gone through the same struggle that you are going through. Indeed, many of them have overcome this problem and are currently living an absolutely normal life. Want to know how? Let’s go.



Psychology has proved that some children are highly sensitive. Therefore, when someone behaves harshly, especially a mother or father figure, it affects the child intensely. They feel emotions much more deeply compared to other children.

What happens is, when the guardian figure in our life becomes too harsh and angry, the child will feel helpless and abandoned. He or she will start suppressing emotions so as to attain positive responses from this guardian figure. Scathing fears will remain unexpressed, wounds will be buried deep inside and slowly the child will lose connection with his own body and self.

This relationship pattern that the child has developed at home will be repeated in school, colleges, friendships and even romantic relationships. A piercing subconscious fear that he will be abandoned if he displeases others, almost always guides him. Remember that these behavioural patterns are totally unconscious since it was developed due to childhood trauma.

The first thing the people pleasers among us should do is to acknowledge this hurt child within. Understand the truth that repeating these dysfunctional relationship patterns is actually not your fault. It is happening due to unresolved trauma and as a result of losing connection with your own body and authentic self. As the legendary Canadian psychologist Gabor Mate said:

“Trauma disconnects us from who we really are. It forces us to sacrifice our authenticity, our true self, to be accepted or loved by others. As children, we had no choice but to live with it. But as adults, this disconnection with ourselves blocks us. We lose sight of our needs, our desires and our true personality. It’s not our fault. And it can change. We can heal.”

Becoming authentic involves reconnecting with your body, putting yourself first, becoming transparent and prioritising self-care. These steps are easy once you understand the internal dynamics and attain self awareness.



When people continuously suppress their authentic feelings and behave in ways intended to please others, they lose connection with their body, gut feelings or instincts. Our body has an intelligence of its own. For example, when someone that we really love comes near, we will say “I had butterflies in my stomach.” This message is provided by our intuition or gut and not by the brain. The key is, most of the times these emotions are right.

Similarly, when someone breaks our emotional boundaries, we will naturally feel anger. Our body will create a response. People who find it hard to say no have been suppressing their anger from childhood onwards, that they almost stop feeling these signals by their bodies.

The first step is to listen closely to what our body, intuition or gut feelings are saying. To reconnect, we can practice Yoga, Tai Chi etc that help us focus attentively on our bodies. These activities are called meditation-in-motion. We will attain heightened awareness of our instincts if we continue doing these for weeks and months.

Thus, the next time when any of your close ones request you to do something that you don’t want to do, pause a moment and listen intently to what message your body is giving. This message will surely be right. Of course, you might feel some guilt in the beginning when you start disappointing others. Don’t worry. It’s the inner child within you making a tantrum due to fear of abandonment. Guess what, beautiful soul, you are a grown up adult now and you won’t be abandoned and helpless. You know exactly how to manage yourself and your life.


Many of us, by repeating people pleasing behaviours for so many years, will feel guilty when we take time for doing whatever that we like. Especially when this involves disappointing our friends or family members.

The basic truth is that no one is put in this world to fulfil our needs, emotions and wellbeing. Most folks today are very selfish, aggressive and dominating. They will walk all over those who are too nice.

If we don’t take care of our own needs and respect ourselves, how can we take care of others and give love? The most important person in your life is yourself and always, remember this word- always, put yourself first before going out there to help others.

Moreover, we must prioritise personal wellness activities such as exercise, meditation, grooming, among others to boost positive feelings. These activities will improve our self-belief. These are things that you are doing for yourself alone. It gives message to your soul that “I value myself. My needs and wellbeing are important.”

Keep in mind what The Buddha wrote in The Dhammapada:

“Don’t give up your own welfare
For the sake of others’ welfare, however great
Clearly know your own welfare
And be intent on the highest good.”


Our past trauma remains unresolved when we hide it. If we speak to others we will achieve greater clarity like the light falling into a dark room. Remain comfortably in your room and think deeply about the hurts and abandonment that you experienced when you were a child. Feel those emotions. Let them rise up and fill your whole being. Face it all. We can become free only by making these emotions and mistaken beliefs conscious.

You can also write everything down in your diary. This will provide clarity and you will gain more self awareness. Self awareness is foundational in resolving these fears.

Then, visit one or two of your closest friends and open up about everything. Cry on their shoulders if you want. You can also meet a psychologist to do the same. Don’t leave anything unsaid. When you do this, you will find those suppressed emotions, conflicts and pain rising within you and going out. Consciousness is a burning fire that heals every wound.

Also, decide to live an open and honest life from now onwards. A life where you have nothing to hide; a life where you do everything that is good for yourself and others. People become afraid when they have something to hide. If you know that you are right and you don’t need to do anything behind closed doors, then why fear anything?

Saying no without feeling guilty and achieving total independence is truly not that hard. It is us who makes it difficult through dysfunctional beliefs and repeated toxic relationship patterns. Once we start deepening the connection with our body, prioritise self care, put ourselves first and resolve trauma by embracing transparency, everything becomes easier.

After all, who is going to take care of our well-being except ourselves?

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1. Can saying no improve relationships?
   Yes. Saying no can actually improve relationships. When we say no, people understand our character, intentions, interests and true nature. Saying no means that you are a decisive person with self respect. Thus, people will start respecting you more.
2. Why is saying "no" healthy?
   When we say no our stress reduces. Taking up unnecessary pressures and chores just to please others leads to resentment and self-loathing. Furthermore, when we say no, we set clear boundaries, thereby developing independence and self sufficiency.
3. What is the golden rule of boundaries?
   The golden rule is to respect the boundaries of others the way you want your own boundaries to be respected. When we don’t break the boundaries of others, it becomes easier for us to confront unjust behaviors from others easily.